Holidays...

Christmas.. 


This used to be my FAVORITE Holiday when i was younger.. now... not so much..
So many things have changed over there years.. and its nothing like it used to be..
I miss how we all where together.. My mom.. my dad.. & my 2 sisters...
Now..
Its just me  & my own little family.. Witch is very nice... dont get me wrong .. But this is all new & weird for me..
Not being able to see my mom.. or my dad.. my sisters... my friends..
Its just painful..
I love them all so much ..
There was a time after my parents split up.. where me and my dad stoped talking for almost 2 y (worst time in my life) .. And like maybe a year or less before i moved here.. me and him started talking again .. & i missed him soooo much .. now that things were getting better with me and him .. I had to leave..
I wish i could spent more time with him.. catch up on the time we missed.. but no.. now we will miss alot more time together..
I dont know... how long i can stand being away from my family ..
I know we have ups and downs.. and i bitch about them every now and then .. But they are MY family.. And I love and miss them soooo much ..
Now more then ever...
This is my FIRST Christmas away from them.. Away from what i am used too... Away from those i Love... i thought Christmas without my husband was bad.. But this .. THIS IS ALOT WORSE...
I wish i had the money to fly home for Christmas.. but i dont .. && I HATE IT

I dont know when i will get the money to go see them again ... it could be next year.. or years after that..
I dont want to wait that long ..
&& its not like they have the money to come see me.. so we are screwed ..from both sides..
It just sux.. and hurt .. sooo sooo much ..
I know i choose here to come.. cause i thought nothing is holding me in Germany.. but now..
I know i am closer to them .. more then i thought..
Its soooo hard.. to call my mom .. to hear the pain in her voice .. cause she misses us..
Its hard to be strong .. when you  really just want to break down and cry .. but you play cool.. to be strong for them ..
Sometimes i ask myself .. if it was such a good idea to come over here...
&& its not about my husband.. things with him and me.. could not be better..
Its just alot of other things.. I dont know..
I hope things will change soon .. Cause i dont like it how it is right now.. !!!

Mom.. Dad.. Corinna.. && Bekky .. I miss you guys.. SOOO SOOO much ..
More then i thought i would.. Please give the kids a kiss from me.. and tell them Aunt lissy will be there soon .. I always think about you guys.. I will always miss you...
Please dont forget about me.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU... FOREVER.. UNTIL THE DAY I DIE....

Melissa feathers...